Unfriendly Competition

Playing organized sports as a kid, the coach often told us that we were all talented. Inevitably, we each received a participation trophy at the end of the season. While it was nice to display a shiny, gold-stained piece of plastic on my dresser, this didn't set me up for success. The world doesn't really care about good participation; it cares about competition. In a sports arena, whose jersey is most represented by fans? I'll give you a clue; it's not the player who demonstrates stellar teamwork. While each player contributes to the outcome of a game, we care most about being entertained, how many points are scored by our team. In a world that idolizes winning, it doesn't set us up well for Christian dating or marriage.

Probably halfway through elementary school reality sank in, and I finally realized that we're not supposed to be good participants, we're supposed to be top of the class. The problem is, only one person can be top of the class. Thus begins our lifelong struggle with unfriendly competition, trying to fulfill unreasonable standards. Yes, unfriendly, meaning you want to win and you want the other competitors to lose. Am I wrong, though? That is how life works in every stage: school, the workplace, dare I say with friends and family too. No wonder it feels nearly impossible to be "one" in marriage when we were bred to compete.  

Unfriendly competition can kill a marriage and even a dating relationship.

I'm not talking about a heated game of Uno on a Friday night. I'm talking about disproportionate jealousy in the marriage or dating relationship due to the other partner's success or accolades. Is jealousy normal? Yes, to a degree. God is jealous for us, meaning He does not share the throne of our hearts with any other god (Exodus 20:4-6 NIV). In the same way, I do not share my husband with any other woman. Healthy jealousy comes from a place of love and protection. The kind I want to talk about in this article has to do with the jealousy that divides a couple due to unfriendly competition.

When my husband and I were dating I knew of his accomplishments. He's a go-getter. As soon as he completes one degree, he is on to the next. I thought that I was out of his league, having earned one bachelor's degree while his master's degrees continue to pile up. I was actually intimidated by this, because of my own jealousy, not because of how my husband treated me. When I found that the difference in our academic successes didn't affect our relationship, I was relieved. But jealously can still creep in if we let it. 

Recently, I was editing a capstone paper for one of my husband's bioethics classes. On this particular day I was tired, I had completed a lot of housework earlier and took care of the kids. So, sitting at the desktop computer in our guest room on a late Sunday afternoon wasn't my top priority. I started to catch a bad attitude about it. Even though editing is something I truly enjoy doing, I allowed my jealousy to get the best of my emotions. I'd been struggling to complete daily tasks since having two children in the last two years, while my husband has managed to tackle a master's in bioethics throughout that time. My thumbs instinctually opened Google on my phone and I started searching online master's degrees for me to start applying to. 

Do I have the desire to go back to school right now? No. But jealously and unfriendly competition causes us to think unrealistically. In that moment I actually thought my husband would hold me in a higher regard if I started school again. And then my feelings of insecurity turned to frustration. Why am I editing this paper right now? It's his class, not mine. I had completely lost an "us mentality." 

An "us mentality" causes us to take our individual preferences out of the picture and remember that we are "one" in marriage.

So, what I do for my husband, I’m actually doing for us, because we are no longer separate in the eyes of God. We work as a team. Building up the other person actually builds us both up. Initially, it doesn't feel much different to be "one." You still have your own goals, dreams, and desires, but you accomplish them with the two of you in mind and with God's will at the forefront. You change your thought process.

It's possible to have an "us mentality" in dating too, just in a different way. If you're not married, then you are not one with that person, but you are in a sense practicing for marriage. You can implement intentionality in your dating experience by first, allowing the Holy Spirit to check you on areas you may be jealous of your partner, and second, by understanding the goals and desires of your partner and figuring out how you can help support them.

I've seen it and you've probably seen it too. The more decisions a couple makes without an "us mentality," the harder it is to stay together, especially in a marriage. You end up isolating yourself from your partner, becoming self-focused. You start caring more about your career, your status, and your accomplishments. You are no longer a team player, and the relationship comes to a breaking point.

The real winners are those who break the cycle of unhealthy competition and adopt an "us mentality." Marriage is impossible without teamwork. Each person excels in an area that the other does not. That's the beauty of being different, you help each other grow in areas of weakness. "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up" (Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10 NIV). Ultimately, the purpose is for our sanctification. 

If you are married, spend some time with your spouse to confess areas of unfriendly competition between the two of you, if any, and come up with a plan to change this. The solution could be as simple as complimenting each other more often. If you are dating, talk with your partner about ways to address jealousy. Be observant of your partner's response, as jealousy can be a red flag, depending on the nature of it.